3 Lessons About Being a Leader that Being a Parent has Taught Me

Everyone tells you that having kids is one of those before-after moments where your life never goes back to being the same. And it’s true, in the most wonderful way possible. You get to experience things you can’t otherwise, and you come out of those moments having learned lessons you weren’t expecting.

In my case, my kids taught me — amongst many other things — how to be a better leader. And it wasn’t like a nice course, with a thought-out teaching program, nice speakers and snack-time. No, it was through surviving the experience of raising them while working on my first leading role.

In other words, they showed me a perspective that I wouldn’t have seen otherwise, and I wanted to share it with you.

A word on my kids before we continue

Just an FYI, I love my kids to the moon and back, and at the time of this writing they’re 9 and 6 years old. These lessons I’ll be talking about were “imparted” onto me years ago, but I guess I’m just starting to realize where all that wisdom came from.

The importance of problems in your project

Whether you’re leading a team, a project or even a whole program, problems will always arise. There is no possible way to be a leader and not have to deal with them, it’s a part of the job (and sometimes a big one at that).

The issue though, is when we let those problems get to us and affect us on a personal level. The walls between both the personal world and the professional one can’t disappear if we hope to live a sane life. This is why keeping professional problems from affecting us is a crucial skill all leaders must learn.

Of course, that is a lot easier said than done, however, the experience of having 2 kids and dealing with their problems, sick days and accidents has given me a new perspective.

There is hardly anything as important or stress-inducing as having to rush your kid to the ER in the middle of the night because you don’t know what’s wrong with him. And once you realize that, any problem with your project will become secondary in comparison.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not trying to say that production issues aren’t important, however, they’re not the end of the world. And thus, there should be a limit to the level of stress they generate.

No matter how terrible the problem might seem, no matter how much money is on the line (which is probably not yours), there is always something more terrible that could happen and that thought alone should be enough to help you keep your head cool and tackle whatever problem you might be facing.

In other words, by showing you the terror that is them having problems, you as a parent learn to deal with problems at work with an inner piece that rivals that of the Dalai Lama.

Dealing with your ki…err team’s problems

Every project has problems, I know I’m not telling you anything new. And sometimes those problems will not be technical nor organizational, those problems will be related to your team. Maybe someone committed the wrong code to production and overwrote the work of another teammate, or perhaps someone just doesn’t like the way a colleague is interacting with them.

Whatever the reason might be, you’ll have to deal with it and you’ll have to find a way for everyone to be happy with the resolution. And after several years of dealing with fights and misunderstandings between my 2 kids I can assure you, there are a lot of similarities between both worlds.

As a leader (and a parent) you can’t be seen taking sides on a personal dispute, everyone in your team needs to feel like you’ll advocate for them when required. You can only achieve this if they all trust that you’ll stay impartial no matter what.

I’m not gonna lie, sometimes it’s not easy because you also have your own opinion and your own idea of who’s probably right and who isn’t. The struggle is real, so listen to the facts from all parties before you make any judgement, that is key.

The other big problem with personal conflicts is that even if you succeed and do not take any sides, even if you manage to find that middle ground where everyone comes out winning, sometimes that won’t be enough. In those situations once the actual problem is settled and everyone else goes back to their daily routines, you might want to have a private conversation with those who aren’t 100% happy with the results and try to, privately, understand their side of the story. Try to put yourself in their shoes and aim to understand why this is such a big issue for them. This practice will show empathy on your side and it’ll show that person that you actually care about them as human beings.

That extra insight into their lives doesn’t mean you have to change your mind nor that from now on you’ll take their needs into consideration over others. It just means you have more tools to explain your decision to them so they know it came from a place of justice and is not a personal attack on them.

The illusion of multitasking

Have you ever had to listen to two kids telling you about their days, at the same time? Such a feat is not only impossible, but it would also leave you with a major headache if you ever try it.

This is because multitasking isn’t real, your brain just can’t process it. And as a leader you should accept that fact.

You might be assigned to multiple projects or you might have to deal with multiple fires inside a single project, whatever your situation might be, the best way for you to fulfill all your tasks and help everyone who needs it is to stop trying to multitask and start time splicing your days.

Time splicing means splitting your day into small windows in which your focus will not be changed. Do you have 3 problems to deal with at once? Split your 8 hours in 3 and spend 2.5 hours working on each problem. After a few days it’ll look like you’re multitasking. At least it’ll look like that from outside. Of course, you’ll be switching from one problem to the next with enough time in between to advance each one individually.

Granted, on their own, each problem will take longer to solve, but the alternative is that you burnout and decide those problems can magically solve themselves.

Ideally you want to have only one problem to solve at any given time, but let’s face it, when has life been fair or ideal for a project lead?

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Whether it is by helping you understand that the failed deployment from last Friday is not the end of the world, or by teaching you — through real-world experience I might add — how to tackle personal conflicts between teammates, kids have the ability to make you look at life through a very different lens.

Kids can be great teachers, just by being there and interacting with you they can put you in situations you never considered before. And that is how we all grow, by being forced out of our comfort zone.

Have you experienced anything like that with your own kids? Or perhaps have you gained these insights through other experiences? Leave a comment and share your own experiences, I’d love to read about them!